Home Self-help How Can We Respond to Criticism and Negative Comments Without Harm?

How Can We Respond to Criticism and Negative Comments Without Harm?

When someone gives us a negative message, verbally or nonverbally, we have four ways to perceive it.

The first is to be taken on by accusation and criticism.

For example, someone is furious and says:

“You are the most selfish person I have ever met!”

If we choose to be taken on ourselves, our reaction will be, “Alas! I should have been more sensitive!” it could be. When we accept the other person’s judgment, we blame ourselves at the expense of our self-esteem. This leads us to pay the price, such as guilt, shame, and depression.

The second option is to blame the speaker…

Then, “You are the most selfish person I have ever met.” We oppose the sentence:

“You have no right to say that! I always consider your needs. You are the selfish one! “

If we take what is said this way and blame the person speaking, we will likely become angry.

Our third option when we receive a negative message is to direct the light of our consciousness to our feelings and needs.

In this case, our answer might be:

“I am offended when you tell me I am the most selfish person you have ever met. Because I need appreciation for the effort, I’ve made to consider your preferences. “

When we focus on our feelings and needs, we become aware that the hurt we feel at that moment stems from our lack of recognition of our effort to be appreciated.

Finally, our fourth option when receiving a negative message is to direct the light of our consciousness to the feelings and needs that the other person is expressing at that moment.

Then, for example, we could ask:

“Are you offended because you wanted more consideration for your suggestions?”

Instead of blaming others for our emotions, we can take responsibility for our feelings by acknowledging and affirming the existence of our own needs, desires, expectations, values, and thoughts. Notice the difference between the two sentences below expressing disappointment?

  1. I felt disappointed by not coming last night.
  2. I was disappointed you didn’t come last night because I wanted to talk about some things that were bothering me.

Statement A puts responsibility for the disappointment entirely on the other person’s behavior. Statement B attributes the blow to his own unmet need.

Let’s take a look at another example.

  1. It bothered me that they canceled the contract.
  2. I was very annoyed when they canceled the contract because I thought it was irresponsible.

Statement A attributes responsibility for the disappointment entirely to the other person’s actions. Sentence B, on the other hand, realizes the existence of the thoughts behind his illness and assumes responsibility for his emotion. He realizes that his accusatory way of thinking is creating a feeling of discomfort in him.

We need to ask: Which of his needs, desires, expectations, hopes, and values were not met?

The more we can reconcile our feelings with our needs, the easier for others to respond to us with compassion. When (B) linked his feelings to his needs, he could say:

“I was distraught when they canceled the contract because I was hoping there would be an opportunity to rehire the workers we laid off last year.”

The essential operation of activating people with guilt is to put the responsibility of our emotions on the other person.

For example, parents say to their children, “Getting bad grades at school makes parents very upset.” they implicitly imply that the child’s behavior causes their happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings may be misunderstood as a show of well-intentioned care, but in essence, the child feels bad when he sees his parents suffer. The child changes his behavior because his parents want it, not because he wants this responsibility wholeheartedly; He does it to get rid of feeling bad.

On taking responsibility for our emotions, Dr. Let’s keep these lines written by Marshall Rosenberg in our minds. We will talk more about it; we will deepen the subject.