Home Psychology Choosing Partners Similar to Our Parents: Choice or Coincidence?

Choosing Partners Similar to Our Parents: Choice or Coincidence?

Have you ever observed in your partner the behaviors you dislike and even complain about in your parents? Do the following sentences sound familiar to you?

  • You’re just like my mom/dad!
  • Don’t act like my mom/dad!
  • Some aspects of me are the same mother/same father.

If your answer is yes, continue reading.

We all have an attachment style that we develop in infancy. We shape the relationships we establish according to our attachment style and maintain specific patterns.

The Effect of Modeling on the Family

Some of us become uncomfortable with specific behavioral patterns in adulthood and try to change them. In addition, we model the behavioral ways we see from our parents throughout our growth and make them our ‘own truth’. This time the following words come into play:

  • “I will not look like my mom/dad!”
  • “I will not be like you.”

The awareness part so far is good. But then we see that we are in a relationship with similar events. “How so?” First, I want you to review the problems you have experienced in your current or last connection.

Get pen papers; questions are coming!

  1. What topics would you discuss most?
  2. What feature of your partner would you dislike the most?
  3. Which sentence would your partner say to you the most during the discussion?
  4. Which hurt you the most?

Evaluate them objectively. Is it similar to the aspects of your parents that you dislike the most or complain about the most?

The most significant question mark: Why do we attract features we don’t like?

Okay, but if our parents have traits we don’t like, why are we attracted to people who display identical/similar ones?

The answer is simple: You continue the pattern you are used to.

We choose similar people because…

There is a relationship pattern that we are used to and have learned until this age, whether it is good or bad.

For example, If you are criticized when you make mistakes as a child, and if you do not receive positive feedback when you are successful, you probably have intense anxiety about making mistakes. You avoid making mistakes; you always care to be successful and good. Because that is your ‘condition for admission’.

You may be criticizing your family for treating you this way. However, the partner chosen by a person accustomed to this pattern is likely to be someone who does not appreciate his achievements and criticizes him for a minor mistake.

It doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong. Since this is the pattern you are used to perpetuate, you may be more attracted to such people.

In summary, finding people similar to our family is not by chance but by choice. We don’t realize it most of the time.

Are there any points that you realize about this issue? Do you notice the similarities? If there are areas that you have difficulty exploring, you can get support from an expert.