Have your wishes, feelings, or behaviors ever conflicted with each other? For example, the night before you go on a vacation that you’ve been looking forward to for a long time, you are ignited by the excitement of the holiday. On the other hand, you think, “What is the need to go on vacation now? I also had a lot of work to do.” did you find it? Or did it happen to your partner on the one hand?
There may be times when we have such opposite feelings, and the existence of these times can make us question ourselves. “Am I an unreliable person?”, “Does one thing not match the other?”, “Why am I so unstable?” Questions like these can come alive, especially during these times. However, a part of being human is to carry all emotions within us, even if they are opposite to each other, and learn to live with them.
On the other hand, when it comes to our feelings, we cannot talk about the existence of a single truth. That is, feeling conflicting emotions simultaneously does not mean that one of our feelings is “wrong” or “invalid”. So, in which subjects do we experience conflicting emotions the most?
You can both love someone and choose not to be with them.
Because contrary to popular belief, studies show that love alone is not enough to solve everything; besides, it needs elements such as respect, commitment, closeness, openness, and trust. If your love for someone does not include respect, mutual trust, or intimacy, it is your natural right not to want to be with that person. For this reason, if you feel that you have to stay with that person just because of your love, or if you realize that you love that person and do not want to be with him simultaneously, you can try to look at the situation from this side.
You can be kind and protect your boundaries by saying “no”.
We can develop an idea like But being kind doesn’t mean silencing our boundaries being violated or allowing others to “take advantage” of us. We may think we have no right to say no when we are kind, loving to help others, or being there for others when they need it. Or when we are asked to do something we don’t want to do, we say, “If I say no now, then I would be hurting this person. I don’t want that either. Therefore, I will take on the job requested of me.”
On the one hand, we make their lives easier by helping others, and on the other hand, for a job beyond us or that we do not want to do at that moment, “I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this job right now. I am at a time when I also have to think about my own health/needs.” We can answer. The critical point that should not be forgotten here is that we cannot be suitable to others unless we are good to ourselves.
You can be grateful for what you have and feel miserable at times.
Sometimes, you may not want to do anything or feel extremely overwhelmed when your loved ones are with you, working at a job you love, and even when you are generally satisfied with your life. The conditions you are in may even seem wrong when you compare them with others. In connection with this, he said, “It is complete spoilage that I feel bad right now when there are so many good things in my life. I don’t know how to get enough.” You can develop an idea like
Even if many things are going well, you may feel tired, exhausted, unhappy, or joyless. That doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the people or something you have in your life. So much so that, according to studies, it is a natural part of our romantic relationships that we are very loving to the other person one day and do not want to spend much time together the next day, except in extreme situations. So these feelings show that we may need a break from time to time, not that our relationship or life is going badly or that we don’t feel grateful for it. This is a very natural need.
You can both live in the moment and have goals for the future.
“Don’t waste your moment, it won’t come back again”, and “If you focus on the future, you can’t live the present.”. You must have heard or read these words before. Perhaps it was you who said these words to yourself. Studies indicate that living in the moment, not clinging to the past, and being mentally present where we are physically increasing our well-being. However, it is seen that the well-being of people who have goals for the future, who set concrete goals for themselves and strive for these, is also high. In other words, living in the moment and having a future-oriented life seems to be the most ideal for our well-being. This prevents the thought that being someone who focuses on the moment and enjoys the place and time contradicts your being someone who has goals for the future. Because here, it seems that two components complement each other rather than a contradiction.
You can be with your family and friends when they need it and take time for yourself.
How often have you put all your troubles aside and held his hand when upset because a friend said he was terrible? Or did you spend time with them to avoid breaking your family while there were many things to do? Or have you ever given up something that made you so that your partner would be happier? All of these can represent border violations in relationships. What we do to be good to others, to make them feel good or not hurt them, can sometimes cause us sadness. This negatively impacts our relationship at the end of the day. Because when we are the ones who are upset or hurt, this will inevitably reflect negatively on the relationship. When we first take time for ourselves and do the things that are good for us, it doesn’t make us selfish. On the contrary, the way to maintain relationships better is to keep our hearts pleasant first.